Asking for Help

Some people think asking for help is something that you shouldn’t do. It often brings out insecurities and worries about how we are perceived. Because of this, we often take more time than necessary or get so frustrated with a task that we give up instead of asking for help. Today’s world is so complex, both at home and work, that it is likely that from time to time we are going to need help doing something.

When we face a frustrating problem or new challenge, our pulse speeds up, and our breath becomes shallow. Our brains shut down the problem-solving function and our mind races. We begin to project all kinds of negative consequences for not solving whatever problem is at hand. While in this anxious, stressed-out state, we mindlessly try to solve the problem without thinking it through, making ourselves even more frustrated. Usually, our first instinct is to try to solve the problem by ourselves, even when it might be a good time to ask for help from our friends or colleagues.

Sometimes, all it takes is to ask for help. It may not be for something big. It might be as simple as asking if anyone knows how to do something. We may think we know our friends or colleagues' strengths and expertise. Or believe that asking for help is a bother to them. In most cases, friends or colleagues are eager to put their experiences and skills to work. When you allow yourself to be vulnerable, open, and ask for help or support, you will likely find people eager to rise to the occasion. Being vulnerable may help you discover dimensions of their lives that you would never have known otherwise. And may even deepen your relationship.

Plus, asking and receiving help opens the door to what might be called a "virtuous cycle." When we ask for help, we get a solution to our problem, and our friend benefits from helping us. You get to know each other in new ways and gain an even greater appreciation for your friendship.

Here is a brief practice that might be helpful the next time you encounter a difficult situation, and you don’t know how to proceed.

• When you’re just beginning to feel frustrated or stressed, take a few moments to regroup. Sometimes, all it takes is to pause by taking a few rounds of your breath, breathing in and out until you feel your breathing return to its reasonable rate, and your heart rate starts to slow.

• However, you may have become so worked up that it may take more effort and time. When that happens, step away from the situation if possible and take a walk. It is not a walk where you replay the situation repeatedly in your mind. Take a walk where you focus on your breath. You may also want to focus on your surroundings by noticing colors, textures, or sounds, engaging your senses, and drawing you out of your head.

• Another technique is to do something else, such as a task unrelated to the problem you are trying to solve. While you may or may not discover a solution during this break, it usually puts you in a place where your mind is clearer. Your emotions are more balanced, which is essential in generating possible solutions.

• Once you develop a few possible solutions, consider how long you should try to solve the problem before asking for help. While there’s no specific rule about how long or how much effort you need to put into something before you ask for help, you might consider the cost of figuring it out on your own.

• When you decide it’s time to ask for help, be prepared to share with the other person what you have already tried. You might even describe a few solutions that you haven’t tried yet and get their feedback. By taking this approach, you turn your request for help into a collaboration session, where you both can learn.

As you reflect on these ideas, consider what types of situations you have encountered where taking a pause might help solve a problem and determine when it’s time to ask for help.