Feeling a Little Down?

While most days have big and small challenges we must navigate, let’s face it, some days and situations are more difficult than others. Taking the larger perspective, our difficulties may not seem significant, and we may feel guilty that we feel this bad when billions of people would think it a gift to be in our shoes. Perhaps we are disappointed because we did not receive the recognition we expected at work or something we had been looking forward to has been canceled.

Regardless of the reason or what someone else would say, we each have our own feelings that arise during difficult times. And they are our feelings, and we deserve to have those feelings. However, when we throw ourselves a pity party and are consumed by thoughts like, “I don’t deserve this. I’m a good person and I try so hard,” it might go too far. Sometimes, we are so comfortable with our misery that we are reluctant to let it go, and it’s tough to pull ourselves out of this downward spiral.

The ability to stop this downward spiral requires us to gain control of our attention. The ability to control our attention is like other skills and can be acquired with practice. With practice, you will begin to see how difficult times don’t have to define you or, at the very least, determine the course of your day, week, or month. When we are present and not buried in our thoughts and emotions, we can consider what we are experiencing. We may even see how some of our most difficult situations have meaning and represent an opportunity to learn and grow.

Consider this simple practice to begin the journey of gaining control of your attention.

Practice: Reframe the Situation

PURPOSE/DESCRIPTION

• This practice describes reframing or seeing difficult situations from a different perspective.

ESTIMATED TIME

• 3-5 minutes

HOW

• Consider a recent situation where you were disappointed in the outcome or were hurt by someone or something.

• For example, your goal was to have a heartfelt conversation about a recent disagreement with your partner. Instead, your partner re-directed the conversation toward something else to avoid having this discussion.

• At first, you might be a little disappointed that the conversation never got to what you wanted to discuss. However, suppose you think about this differently. In that case, the conversation provided insights into moving forward positively.

• Learning to “reframe” or re-think a situation is powerful in turning disappointments into growth opportunities.

• When we take a moment to look at a situation without the filter of our initial expectations, the outcome may be even better than we initially thought. Not only did you get to spend quality time with your partner, but you may also have set the stage for continuing to build on your relationship.

• Whether we feel good about a situation or whether the outcome was desirable or not is often tied to the purpose or meaning we assign to it.

• Now that you have considered this example, can you identify a situation where your actions did not result in an outcome you had expected or desired?

• Once you’ve selected the situation you want to explore, take a few slow, relaxing breaths.

• As you return to the situation you selected, take a moment to compare your desired outcome to the actual result. How do the two compare? Why was one desirable and the other not?

• Is there another way to view the disappointing outcome? For example, can you identify unexpected benefits—for yourself and for others?

• What would you have done differently?

• How does this situation impact what you might do in the future.

• What did you learn in this experience?

• Whether we evaluate an outcome as good or bad, successful or a failure, is our choice. We often get so locked in on the one “right” solution or outcome that we can’t see that the disappointing result was maybe even better than we thought.

• Sometimes, even the most disappointing outcomes are the ones that offer us the most incredible opportunities to grow.

REFLECT/CONSIDER

• Before you move on from this practice, consider how you might use this technique when the inevitable disappointment occurs.