Re-Orient Your Relationships

Have you ever noticed that spending a lot of time with people, even those you love, often prompts irritation, impatience, and boredom? For example, all that time in the car with the family is fun and exciting, but even the small things annoy us as time passes.  This is called “closeness fatigue.” Without other distractions, spending a lot of time with other people leads us to focus on things we never saw before or were willing to overlook.

For example, you may have heard people say, “I hate to say this, but the sound of him breathing, chewing, or any other small thing is driving me crazy. What’s wrong with me?”. Or people who usually are loving and kind to one another turn into the “Bickersons” right before your eyes.

How do we handle all this closeness without destroying relationships or letting frustration build to a breaking point? First, we can start by acknowledging that nothing is wrong with us or those close to us. What we are experiencing is most likely due to too much time together. When you find yourself in this type of situation, here are a few things you can do:

• Focus on the positive things. It is easy to be obsessed with someone’s failings and things that annoy you. The more you think about them, the more deeply embedded they become in how you view the other person. When this happens, take a moment to pause your negative thinking. Instead, focus on what you appreciate about them. You may even consider writing these positive ideas down and keeping that list handy. Find pictures of you and the other person(s) in good times and keep those photos visible.
• Express your appreciation and fondness for others. Once you have your list of what you appreciate about the other person, consider sharing it with them. What a pleasant surprise this would be. The key is not to have expectations of how the other person should respond or reciprocate. However, don’t be surprised if this small gesture prompts an open and loving conversation.
• Engage in an open dialogue. When the time is right, engaging in a conversation about how your relationship can be improved might be useful. Here are a few things to keep in mind:
  • Avoid universal statements. Using phrases like “you always” or “you never” will raise their defenses because it focuses on what is wrong with them. Instead, consider using “I” statements that focus on your feelings without blaming or accusing the other person.
  •  Don’t be surprised if the other person has a list of “grievances” or wants to provide their perspective on what you have to say. When this happens, please take a moment to pause and refocus your attention on what they are saying.
  • Try not to interrupt. Wait to comment or ask questions until after they have finished. Whenever you feel defensive, irritated, or angry, try to suggest an image of a time when this person was exceptionally kind and loving to you.
  • Be honest. Remember that the truth can be uncomfortable—especially if you know your partner will be irritated and perhaps angry as you share your concerns. However, it is worth working through this because honesty builds trust and helps you feel safe.
  • Keep an open mind.Try not to have a set goal of how you want the conversation to go. Staying open to other ways of thinking will help you see the other person’s point of view.
• Develop individual interests. Doing everything together does not give us space to pursue things that are important to us. When we feel that we must enjoy or participate in what others want to do, it may lead to resentment and perhaps contempt. Instead, make a joint decision to spend time apart doing things that each of you enjoys. The first step is to discuss and agree on what is critical to each of you.
• Practice self-care. Take responsibility to do what you can to deal with your personal stress and anxiety level and not place that burden on the other person. Reducing your overall stress level will help you be more tolerant and patient. And give the other person space to decide what they need to reduce their stress.

Finally, remember that constant togetherness may illuminate issues that have always existed but are magnified when we spend significant time together. When you avoid dealing with these little annoyances, it may lead to resentment and more severe problems later.